A Lecturer Who Wanted Me To Change and Not Be As Flamboyant and Gay. The Question Is, Do I Care?

back at school, everytime i had my free time, i always met this Lecturer of mine for this thing i have been fighting myself about - self discovery. i call it 'Self-Discovery Session'. let me tell you something about him. he has a PHD in his-course-of-study, he's an old guy, he's very strict and for the most part, he's very much religious.

somehow i think that i should have met someone who is specialised in say, sociology. or a psychiatrist. or maybe a counselor. but meeting him, was a bit of challenge.

i am flambouyant. i am soft. and there is this thing in my face that makes me look feminine. and he doesnt like it. he told me that i should change for the better. he said that God doesnt like it.

being Gay and practicing Gay is by religion wrong. even the society doesnt accept it. he told me that i should cut my hair, i should not be wearing rings - rings that is significant to me and my boyfriend, and that i should walk like a man and therefore, man up.

yeah, i did cut my hair. i cut my nails. but when i got to think about it, i did it for him. not for what he told me about, not for myself. and so, i felt like it was a change that pleased him. not to please and make myself feel better.

that was long time ago. just recently, i met him at his office. with my new Rihanna hairstyle, long beautiful nails, a ring on my finger and tight jeans. i met him to talk about my work attachment and how good i felt about my results on my course. he was okay okay about it at first until i told him what he thought of me now after 6 months.

'i dont like what im seeing right now. its like, my advice to you and my time with you is a waste of time. you're becoming more of a lady, not a man. remember that day when i bumped into you at the restaurant? you offered me to sit with you and i refused. wanna know why? because i was ashamed of you. you were wearing shorts and were very soft. i was embarrassed for you. i would have taken your offer and sit with you, but i didnt want to.'

when i heard this from him, it teared me apart. he made me felt like i had no chance of changing. no life and no integrity. no self respect. wasnt he suppose to be the one who kept on giving me advice? wasnt he someone so 'clean' he could have handled me differently?

what about 'Be Yourself'? isnt the best in you is when you are being yourself?

oh God. i need a self 'self-discovery'.

sigh.

pictures below is the legendary Drag Queen who became an inspiration to every queens in America. he's gay, very much flamboyant and yet, very successful. AND accepted: