..Baik Jua Pundan Atu Nda Merogol Aku.."

quoted by one of the people on Facebook.

why do people discriminate? there are alot of opinion about this - those studying sociology, psychology and all that. but really, it all comes back to same old saying - we are all the same. we breath the same air like those billionaires, we sit at the same position like Mariah Carey. what else do i have to say here?

the only difference between Gays and those people who call themselves straight is that we have our own preferences and we do things differently. i dont hate people, i try, but hey. im not gonna shut up and let it all happen.

like Blaine said to Kurt in Glee Season 2, 'if people hurt you, talk back behind you or bully you, there's only one thing that will make it better - fight back. if you have to talk back, go to his face and say something. we gays must stand for ourselves or else we wont get a place in life.'

education is really required to the people out there that we, not in a million years, do not intend to disturb people's life. all we want is for you to mind your own business and get your own life. respect each other and the world will be a peaceful place to live.

everybody has their own story to tell. so please, tell your own story politely.

Dont Be Jealous Of People's Boogie.

the feeling of jealousy and competitiveness are way different from one another. but people always confuse themselves and let the evil feeling of jealousy take over their minds.

jealousy is an evil feeling. it is when one is afraid to see others' success and therefore the feeling of hatred builds. jealousy causes relationship to fail or become less friendly, less happy or even less intimate. it destroys trust and will create unhealthy thoughts. it causes fights, disagreements and major losses of friends, family or even loved ones.

competitiveness of a person is when one wants to achieve success without building the evil feelings. being competitive can become unhealthy but one should know his or her limits so that jealousy is best avoided.

so, which one are you? dont be jealous of others's success because by the end of the day, its gonna kill you. everybody has their own time and chance to shine. its just a matter of time :)

Would You Confront or Confess, If You've Cheated On Your Partner?

i would do none. neither would i confront nor confess. this's based on my experience.

it all happened during my boyfriend's army recruit. he was away for six months - well, he did come back every two weeks, or sometimes four or even six weeks. it was a very long time you see. so, i became lonely. if normally i would be text messaging with my boyfriend, at that time, i really had no one. any means of communication between me and my boyfriend was cut. i was left alone, crying for his presence. and i kept on waiting for him.

until one night, me and my dolls went to Gadong to have a night out. we would be 'lepak-ing' until late night everyday. there would be guys everywhere, people getting drunk here and there.

and there came this guy called H. he really liked me so much and really wanted to get to know me better. and here comes the crazy part. stupid of me, i gave it a shot. i accepted him as my, what i called 'Cinta Contract'. and so i hid our relationship. everytime my boyfriend came back during the weekend, i would totally be ignoring H. and the relationship went on until my boyfriend finally finished his recruit.

see, the worst part of the story was that this H guy is a close friend of my boyfriend. crazy right? but i would admit, that i did have some feelings on him. things went from bad to worst when H found out that my boyfriend was someone he really knew. H became angry and would keep on trying to convince my boyfriend for a meeting. but i would be there stoping the meeting from happening. H was so mad he told everybody that he would kill me. he really basically wanted me dead.

no, the meeting didnt happen and nor did my boyfriend believed any of the story. alot of people told my boyfriend that i cheated on him while he was away but i kept on denying it. he would even say 'Baby, i am a fool if say that you're lying.' Still, i wouldnt admit and would keep on convincing. it really did somehow work you know.

i do feel guilty for a fact that i lied and made him totally believed me. this is not right ladies and gentlemen, but lets take this as a lesson for all of you out there who'r in love. love your partners with honesty, because the most crucial part in a relationship is when he or she believes you and no one else.

and my boyfriend believes me very much. more than anything in his world. i promise i will not do this again. because i love him :)

Dont Hate Me.

again and again, people judge me for the wrong reasons. why do people seem to hate me? and the thing that made me feel even sad is the amount of hatred they showed for a fact that they dont even know me. is it necessary when my friend mentioned my name and you made a face out of my name?

cmon. we have our own lives and lets live them up ourselves. we, coming from the SPECIES, should come together and support one another. i may look mean, bitchy, bossy and very JaniceDickinson-ish, but dont judge people from the outside.

trust me. the last thing i wanna do is to interrupt your life. and the thing that i always wanna do is to have more friends.

Umi Told Me . . .

time passes and people come and go. thats just the way life is. but we gotta learn to accept changes. when you try to make things better between you and your friends who come and go, its just not worth it my dear. things happen in the past, whether its strengtening or weakening the bond. so i suggest, its better that we ignore the situation and move on. there are far more important things in life that we want to achieve.

my Umi always tell me this:

'be careful when you look for friends. having best friends is alright, but think of it this way. love it or not, you can accumulate as many friends as you want when you have money. but where are they when you dont have money? where are they when you most need them? say, during your hard times, were they there to help you? were they there to give you advice? learn to limit yourself when believing in friends. the best of friend is one who you feel comfortable the most and not having to fake yourself in order to look good. and a good friend is one who show you the path to achieving a better life'

learn from it and adapt people. xoxo :)

I Believe In Myself.

when someone is so determined and motivated, nothing is impossible. yes, you can have all the dreams in the world, but when you dont have the drive, its not gonna be even worth the wait.

but im sure know for a fact that i have the drive. i have always wanted to fill the airwaves of Brunei and i have always wanted to show people that i can talk. among my friends, i talk alot, i know. but i wanna take it to the next level. blogging is a way for me express my feelings and by constant practice of this, my english will continue to improve and become better. and by that, i will develop my own talking skills and prepare myself for any opportunities that will come by someday.

i believe that someday i will be able to pursue my dreams. i jus have to believe in myself and continue to florish.

rejections are difficult, but it will just make me stronger. i have great friends surrounding me, superb boyfriend, amazing environment and sure enough, all i need to do right now is to show myself up.

i know i can do it.

so you whose name is 'dream', i will be coming to you. and when i do come to you, please be nice to me :)

Happy Birthday To My Favourite Doll namely Sheikh Ajikk Sheikh Omar.

first and for most,lets begin by saying the same old saying that you always listen to when someone's celebrating his or her birthday,HAPPY BIRTHDAY AJIKK.

grateful,full of love and blowing you kisses,i wanna tell the world how happy and overwhelmed i am to have you in my life. you're like my gay brother who has that same sensitivity level like my Sainul. but that sensitive side of you is what makes you special. thats the side of you that makes me think of you. thats the side of you that actually makes you human. i know alot of people who are sensitive, but oh God knows how annoying they are. but with you, its not.

all i ask for from you is, like what we'v discussed, please dont fight. we'v never come across that, but God knows when that happens, we gotta stay strong and true to ourselves. i dun care if others are gone, but i dun wan you gone in my life. you've lit alot of bright lights in my life and i wanna keep it that way for a very long time.

i love you doll, and keep yourself strong. cause thats what makes you a unique person :)

xoxo My Favourite Dolls :)

Stronger.

this year is gonna be tough for me. i hav alot to prove. the expectations from my dad, my mom, my siblings and even from my peers. i dun wna say that i dun think i can cope up, but i somehow question myself.

if in 2010, i became this person full of negative thoughts, insecure feelings and jus being afraid of getting the best out of me, i fully intend to turn the table upside down.

2011 will different. i wanna talk strong, spreak agressively and become a better person. and for the most part, i will not let people walk over me. i will stand up for what is right and hold my head up high because i know i deserve better in this life.

i dont wna be like Kurt, a star from the hit TV drama called Glee. Kurt just shut down immediately if people make fun of him in the show. but me?

i will not. actions speak louder than words and im definitely gonna prove to myself.

Forget About The Past and Move On.

iv got great pasts. im not gonna mention what kind of pasts that im referring to, but thats not the point. what im trying to say here is that at a lot of times in our lives, we need to let go of the past and create our own future. its sad for me, and for ya'll, to let go of course, but its just not worth it. people change, attitudes grow, philosophy alters and life? life goes on. we cannot just hold ourselves, trying to make the pasts work in order to cope up with the present. its just not worth the try.

so people, yes, we learn from history. but please, no one should get stucked in the past thinking that life is nothing without the past. move on, discover life and thats when you know it is worth to die for :)

The Apprentice Season 10.

this is what im watching right now. i love this type of reality TV shows because it brings out the competitive side of me. i do wanna emphasis here though that there is a fine between between being competitive and being bitchy. sometimes in life, as we all know, we gotta push ourselves very hard in order that we get what we want, but lets do it with respect. i respect you and you gain back your respect. thats why i love this show. it educates people to understand the importance of being successful and how to get far in life. Donald Trump may not be the most powerful celebrity in the world, but it is worth watching. i wanna be successful, as too all of you are, and by watching this show, i can prepare myself for the outside world.

every season, Trump always tries to make things different. nowadays, not just in America, our own country suffers from a problem called unemployment. even degree or masters holders still find it difficult to look for jobs. this season of The Apprentice, Trump has brought together 16 candidates who are all suffering from one same recession - UNEMPLOYMENT.

here are my two favourites:

Stephanie.

Brandy.

and yes, i hope my favourite wins :)

Top 10 Stylish Stars of 2010.

1 - Lea Michele.

2 - Lady Gaga.

3 - Diane Kruger, star of Inglourious Basterds.

Top 10 Movies of 2010.

1 - Social Network.

2 - Black Swan.

3 - Inception.

Top 10 Celebrities of 2010.

1 - Kristen Stewart - Eclipse earned her more than $300millions in the box office.

2 - Katy Perry - the song Teenage Dream were sold for millions of copies around the world.

3 - Justin Bieber - the youngest solo act to ever top the charts since Stevie Wonder back in 1963.

Top 10 Sexiest Man Alive of 2010.

sexy abs, good looking, nice body, ohh, 2010 was HOT. and inserted into the list is my boyfriend. my real life boyfriend im talking about of course. HAHA :)

1 - Ryan Reynolds, aged 34.

2 - Jon Hamm, aged 39 (star of the film 'The Town', 'The A-Team' and the voice of 'Brogan' in 'Shrek Forever After'.

3 - Kellan Luts, aged 25 (star of Twilight).

2010 Most Beautiful People.

lets not forget about 2010 ya'll. there is alot to learn when years go by.

the top 10 for Most Beautiful People by People magazine:

1 - Julia Robets, aged 42.

2 - Channing Tatum, aged 30.

3 - Zoe Saldana, aged 31 (Avatar Star).

A Gay Serial Killer in Indonesia - well known as 'The Smiling Serial Killer.'

this photo was taken by one of the journalist from Indonesia. look at him, he had his teeth wide opened, smiling and waving his hands, looking happy. although we all know deep inside that no one is gonna be happy when staying behind bars. this is the thing about Gays. Gays keep things to themselves. they only share among themselves and sometimes hide whatever feelings of insecurity, misery or sorrow they have. but when this other feeling called hatred builds up in a Gay's heart, anything is possible. alot of Gays in our country - i know, alot are still in denial although obvious, just shut up and keep silent when they feel like they have no power to say things out. some Gays dress in an eye-opening way like tight tshirts, tight shorts or any other attire that resemble to woman. and this always make the society speaks and laughs about. and when this keeps on happening, of course one day one has to speak up. and i personally dont blame the serial killer for doing what he did. justice of course should take action, but people, lets learn. remember, when hatred and revenge build up in a person's heart, anyone is capable of doing anything to satisfy oneself. my advice is, keep things to yourself. mind your own business. whatever you see - whether its funny attire worn by Gays, flamboyant males walking down the street, the way Gays communicate, just shut up and go on with your business. Gays never intend to disrupt your life. Gays have their own life to live. its because of people like you Gays become violent.

Im Done. Fuck You Slut.

i dont care about it anymore. i aint gonna be nice and i aint gonna waste my time anymore. im just gonna ignore about the situation. i dont care about where we have gone with each other. i guess, you're just not a good friend. fine, whatever. we will see who looks better later on. you were not around while i was building my life in the city, you were not around when my results were flowered with distinctions, you were not around when i was happy, so guess what? FUCK YOU SLUT. you're not even that close to being perfect. you stink and you suck. i hate you and will get far from you from now on. thanks :)

ohh God, thank feels good.

even a kid you dream of (dead stupid dream) will fuck you in the face.

Good Things Hardly Stay. They Get Away When Those Things You Call 'Good Things' Are Not True Enough To You.

especially in the case of friends, the good thing that im referring to here is true friends. only true friends stay. those of which stay away and avoid themselves from you are not true friends. those are just friends who come and go. everyday, when good things appear and pile up, you become happy. you feel that you have a crowd. but Nelly Furtado said in her song that all good things come to an end.

i have seen people slipping away and forgetting about me. and when i really analyse and understand the situation, it was because of the word 'change'. not to mention backstabbing and all that bitchiness, cause i know im better when it comes to becoming a Bitch.

i wanna say that i dont care if those people who were once close to me are ignoring me and making me look like someone insignificant, but i cant lie to myself. i actually do care. im not gonna blame them for the downhill of our friendship, its because of change. a phenomenon thats been destroying relationships between lovers, friends or even family.

but for better or worse, im glad i have my own circle of friends now. i love ya'll and will treasure you at heart. im glad i have my family, cousins and most importantly of course, i have my boyfriend. thats already more than enough :)

listen to Nelly Furtado's sing entitled All Good Things - Nelly Furtado - All Good Things

She Lost Her Car Keys And Who Stole It?

it has been weeks since she last had a grab of her car keys. it was understood that she lost it. even the whole family said nothing about the keys. no one knew where the keys were.

although the car was being borrowed by her uncle, she still worried, where the keys were.

until last night, her uncle came to return the car. she was happy her car was back, but where were the keys?

and then she slept. it was raining heavily. it was dark. she couldnt sleep.

someone knocked on her door and it was her eldest brother. he told her to come out. it seemed like he wanted to talk cause he looked serious.

he said, "you know, i have never got physical with all my siblings, right? i never wanted to. but you see, i just slapped your younger brother. i slapped him three times and the third time i did, there was blood. i wanted to crash him really, but when i saw him cried, i knew i had to stop. wanna know why? remember the lost keys? it was with him all along. your younger brother has it. he was the one who took it away. it broke my heart to know it was him, but it just made me even angrier when i saw your car was not around while i was looking down from my room. i knew it was him who drove the car. and obviously he had the keys. that was when i called him, asked him to come back and then slapped him. i really got lost control dear. lets keep this between us and not tell our parents. it would have been worse if they knew. our mother is sick. we all know that. we dont wanna get the worst to happen."

Definition of the word Bitch :)

being a Bitch means:

- i stand up for myself and my beliefs
- i stand up for those i love
- i speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my way
- i wont compromise what's in my heart
- i live my life MY way
- i wont allow anyone to step on me
- i refuse to tolerate injustice
- i have the courage and strength to allow myself to be me

so try to stomp on me, douse my inner flame, squash every ounce of beauty i hold within, YOU WONT SUCCEED. and if that makes me a Bitch, so be it. i embrace the title and im proud to be a Bitch :)

The American Idol 2011 Panel of Judges Will Be Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson.

this is the part of the story that made me wanna post this. remember Kara DioGuardi? she was one of the judges when Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell were around during the past seasons.

here's the catch. as we all know, Simon Cowell had announced his departure on American Idol publicly. and when Ellen Degenerates left American Idol stating she felt that she was not right for the job, Kara DioGuardi was FIRED. she did not leave the show for any reason whatsoever, she did not quit, SHE GOT FIRED. according to sources, it was according to plan. and it was done in favour of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.

Said Kara, "No one is safe from change. Except for Ryan Seacreast."

p/s - Jennifer Lopez is paid at $12millions for this job (Paula was paid a fraction of this amount) and Steven Tyler at $18millions. not sure how much Randy was paid.

Alesha Dixon feat Jay Sean - Every Little Part Of Me.

here are some screenshots of the new song by her.

to watch the video, click - Alesha Dixon feat Jay Sean - Every Little Part Of Me

Change. Friends.

i used to hate this word.

change is a big phenomenon nowadays. change occurs because of the nature of life. change also plays a very important part when relationships fall apart or people start to become obnoxious.

Money comes and goes, time comes and goes, opportunities come and go. but friends come and are supposed to live forever. friends are supposed to be treasured and not abandoned.

i have had lots of cycles of friends. right from the moment i started living in 'the city', which is in Bandar, up til now. and the only friends that i have surrounding me right now are my true friends.

and i would like them to know that i will treasure them at heart until the end of time. if so that there is a change - change in behaviour or lifestyle, i will still hold on to my friends and live them the most. i dont wanna lose any of my friends anymore. i have gone through alot of bitchiness and i have come to a point where i should know how to differentiate things now.

i wanna believe that im a good friend. so you there, one who is called CHANGE, dont bitch around with me. dont CHANGE.

Being Successful - The Only Thing In Life That Is Important

there is of course alot of different things we can line up to see what should come first when it comes to the important things in life. lets put a thought of this.

there is this person - no education background, only studied halfway in his not-so-glamorous course, who is fugly, cannot speak english, very stupid in making decisions, a waste of time to be friends with, does have have qualities and values of a well being called human, drink Vodka every night, have photoshoots of his ugly face and just simply trying to make a living but struggling so bad.

VERSUS:

an educated person who speaks english very well, carry himself as a bright individual, knows when and how to say things right, tall and fabulous, have the intention to keep on studying and get higher education, cares about his family, appreciates his friends, loves his boyfriend and have the will to be successful.

who would you wanna become?

see, education is important. even though you're a nobody, but when your education gets higher, your value of profession will get higher, your name will be higher and most importantly, you will earn respect. EASILY :)

dont feel empty.

feeling empty does not mean that you are alone in life. look surrounding yourself, what do you have? or what you dont have. and when you have figure it out, make the most of them. life is never empty. we should be thankful because we are all given the chance to live and so, breathe the fresh air and do something. dont just sit down and stare at things. or just sleep. discover life as much as you can. because we never know what is coming :)

The World's Richest and Most Powerful Actors, Actresses and Musicians of 2010.

it serves for me as an inspiration to look at this list. each of the person in the list has their own story to tell. like Oprah - even though she had a dark past when she was molested at her very young age, she progressively became successful. from going to school in a potato sack to becoming an honours student, she is now worth $315 millions. lets look at the list and learn.

p/s - some amount of worth for each celebrity may not be in descending orders. this is because ranking is also evaluated based on the amount of exposure, publicity and fame.

2 - Beyonce Knowles ($87 millions worth)

3 - James Cameron ($210millions worth) - director of Avatar.

4 - Lady Gaga ($62 millions worth)

Distance - Is It Good To Improve Relationships?

constantly being around with your partner can make your partner go 'im so sick of you' and would any one of us want that? of course not. every one of us in this world has a life - a life with our friends, family, workmates, yadayadayada. giving time and space to our partners will actually make them feel free. do not conquer our partners' life because it is certainly not the best thing to do.

in my case, i want my boyfriend to learn and feel what i felt when he was at recruit. it has got nothing to do with revenge, thats for sure, but its just a learning process. i know its healthy for our relationship.

and so, i will stay in Seria for quite some time my boyfriend - if nothing goes wrong :)

Siti Nurhaliza's Performance During Anugerah Juara Lagu 25.

superb. brilliant. amazing. breath-taking. it was claimed that this was Siti Nurhaliza's concluding performance for Juara Lagu. so, here it out all Queens. feast your eyes, because my idol is gonna make you fly away up high with her great performance :)

click on it - Siti Nurhaliza on AJL 25 - Balqis, Nirmala, Cindai.

Back To Hometown in Seria and God, I Feel Afar From My Boyfriend :(

after a very long time, now is the time that i come back to hometown. it has been months i have not spent so many time at our house in Seria. i certainly miss my parents, my siblings and my house.

but before i left my house in the capital, i felt afar. afar from my boyfriend. you see, my boyfriend is like my bestfriend, my father, my brother, my counselor and my preacher. he is the reason why i have become the strong person that i am right now. he always sheds me light in my darkness, he provides me with good shelter and he always takes good care of me. we have been apart before, yes - during his recruit. but i guess, i just cant live without him.

friends, family, cousins are great. but with him, it just makes my life perfect :)

im gonna miss you my boyfriend. this will not take long and all i have to do about it is to stay positive. this is somehow healthy for our relationship. im sure.

A Boutique at Times Square for Plus Size Ladies.

inspired, happy and thankful, i feel that Bruneians are starting to realise the other sides of things. if we have had tshirts, jeans, dresses and tights for skinny people, now the plus size ladies - dragging or original, can easily find their sizes. they can now look fabulous and elegant.

so, drag queens and original ladies, dress all you want. at Times Square, first floor. name of boutique is Big Girls :)

p/s - see, Bruneians do have the brains, the skills, the tools to live up and develop. its just a matter of time and opportunities. be very proud to be Bruneians people.

Khurafat - A Good Movie.

alot of the movies nowadays from the Malay side of the productions tend to forget the traditional and culture elements when they are making movies. this movie has all of that - well, not really everything.

what the movie is trying to portray is that Malays cant never get enough of things. when one desires for something, he or she would do anything about it to achieve it. its a good thing that this shows the competitive side of you, but cmon, do it with pride. dun do it using black magic or some bad practice. its not gonna bring you anywhere. yes, you will get what you want in the first place, but in the end, you're gonna be the one who has to pay for it.

i did feel insecure at times about whether my boyfriend is gonna leave me one day, but hey, i jus have to trust him. trust our relationship.

out of ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, i will give it a seven :)

I Saw So-Badly-Done-Hairdo-and-Self-Proclaimed-Celebrity-Alike at Qlap Mall and God, I Hate It.

heyy, i look better in terms of hair, face structure, face looks, body language and the overall being.

simply said. thanks.

Trying to look like Rihanna that fashion victim, but he looked like a bad chicken :)

A Friend - Someone Who One Day Will Turn Out To Be That Who You Will Hate The Most.

is that really the definition of a friend?

this is quoted by someone who i treasure and care about. 'A Friend' of mine - using the definition of my own of course.

not only disappointed and frustrated, i felt like i got punched or slapped in the face when i heard this. i thought you trusted me. but you just have this thought that keeps on hunting you from your past and apply it to everyone. everyone who appears in your life. life is about change, about having new friends, discovering new life. have some thoughts about it and learn to trust others.

cause not everyone is the same.

i love you bestfriend Ajim :(

A Lecturer Who Wanted Me To Change and Not Be As Flamboyant and Gay. The Question Is, Do I Care?

back at school, everytime i had my free time, i always met this Lecturer of mine for this thing i have been fighting myself about - self discovery. i call it 'Self-Discovery Session'. let me tell you something about him. he has a PHD in his-course-of-study, he's an old guy, he's very strict and for the most part, he's very much religious.

somehow i think that i should have met someone who is specialised in say, sociology. or a psychiatrist. or maybe a counselor. but meeting him, was a bit of challenge.

i am flambouyant. i am soft. and there is this thing in my face that makes me look feminine. and he doesnt like it. he told me that i should change for the better. he said that God doesnt like it.

being Gay and practicing Gay is by religion wrong. even the society doesnt accept it. he told me that i should cut my hair, i should not be wearing rings - rings that is significant to me and my boyfriend, and that i should walk like a man and therefore, man up.

yeah, i did cut my hair. i cut my nails. but when i got to think about it, i did it for him. not for what he told me about, not for myself. and so, i felt like it was a change that pleased him. not to please and make myself feel better.

that was long time ago. just recently, i met him at his office. with my new Rihanna hairstyle, long beautiful nails, a ring on my finger and tight jeans. i met him to talk about my work attachment and how good i felt about my results on my course. he was okay okay about it at first until i told him what he thought of me now after 6 months.

'i dont like what im seeing right now. its like, my advice to you and my time with you is a waste of time. you're becoming more of a lady, not a man. remember that day when i bumped into you at the restaurant? you offered me to sit with you and i refused. wanna know why? because i was ashamed of you. you were wearing shorts and were very soft. i was embarrassed for you. i would have taken your offer and sit with you, but i didnt want to.'

when i heard this from him, it teared me apart. he made me felt like i had no chance of changing. no life and no integrity. no self respect. wasnt he suppose to be the one who kept on giving me advice? wasnt he someone so 'clean' he could have handled me differently?

what about 'Be Yourself'? isnt the best in you is when you are being yourself?

oh God. i need a self 'self-discovery'.

sigh.

pictures below is the legendary Drag Queen who became an inspiration to every queens in America. he's gay, very much flamboyant and yet, very successful. AND accepted: